o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
