Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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