You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
only you would photoshop your dick
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
