So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
