Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
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scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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