If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
