I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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