I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
