Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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