im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
