dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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