someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
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you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
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Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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