She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
