We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
