The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
