I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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