he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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