you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
