the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
