I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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