My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
