Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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