i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
