I think I died a long time ago.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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