this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
