I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
