when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
