Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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