sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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