A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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