Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
