How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
