if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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