fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Im just a social blackout drinker.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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