Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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