can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
