i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
