i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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