Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
