and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
