I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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