so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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