I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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