The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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