Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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