She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
whose parrot is this?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
