I wanna passion pit in your ass
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
vagina is talking i cant
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
