omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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