my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
