I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The Olympian is in my bed
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
