I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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