You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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