I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
