u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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